I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
