After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
