It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
