The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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