Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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