as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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