Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
