Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
