I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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