Why are handjobs necessary in class?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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