I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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