i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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