Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
