I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
