apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
