dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
