At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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