I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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