I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
