Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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