life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
