allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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