it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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