so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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