You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
