she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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