break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
