someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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