I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
