The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
