My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
