you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I can text with my tongue
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
