i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
