You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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