It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
