if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
