I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
