You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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