Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize