I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
