You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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