I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
