So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
