I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
