i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
