If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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