I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I want to be your penis for a week.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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