So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
