either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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