That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
