I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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