Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
