swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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