Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize