Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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