i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
