Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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