im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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