My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
