Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
