Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
